I’ve been on Match.com for four years, so you can imagine my success rate. I’ve had some truly awful dates, like these:
A girl who got drunk and cried (this happened twice, with two different women).
A girl who told me about her STD within the first 30 minutes. I appreciate her telling me, but the timing was terrible.
A girl who told me she was sexually abused as a child and then kept asking, "You're freaking out, right?" I was. Of course, I was.
A girl who texted through our entire date and then excitedly asked when we could hang out again.
A girl who referred to her mom as a "cunt." I have to admit, I was impressed. Her mom did sound like a twat.
But tonight’s date was the worst. The girl I was meeting was a college cheerleader. Her profile said she was cute, athletic, and "active," so I was looking forward to it.
When I got there, the person in front of me somewhat resembled her pictures, but there were some major discrepancies:
She wasn't 23; she was closer to 39.
She was about 75 pounds heavier than the college cheerleader in the pictures.
(I'm not a jerk; I’ve dated women of all sizes. I just want people to be honest.)
I had to make conversation with someone who looked like the person in the pictures after being stung by a thousand hornets. While I was nice and didn't mention it, all I could think was, "WHAT IS WITH THE FUCKING PICTURES, DUDE!?" Didn't she think I’d notice? Was she hoping I was blind?
Faced with having a conversation with a liar, I did what any decent, honest, and upstanding guy would do: I invented a fictional birthday party I had to get to. I finished my beer, paid for hers, and got out of there as fast as I could.
And who was the winner in all this? The hornets.
