Unfortunate Things Women Have Said to Me (Naked or Otherwise)

This list took up my entire workday. It's a collection of quotes from first dates and one-night stands. 

(The distinction will be abundantly clear.)

• "Can you finish soon? I really need to smoke." — See, Debbie liked to smoke. A lot. As it turns out, she liked smoking more than she liked me.

• "My mom is a serious cunt." — Hey, weirdo, I happen to like my mom. This was 29 minutes into our first date.

• "Well, I have enough credits for a degree, which is exactly the same as having a degree." — Umm, no, it isn't. And those pictures you posted were wildly misleading.

• "We can go back to my place, but we need to be really quiet because my kids are sleeping." — Boner Killer 101. I have no issues with you having children, but the fact that you're letting some drunk asshole (me) into your home to have sex while they are asleep is revolting. Pass.

• "You'll need to pick me up for the date because I can't drive... umm, because of the seizures." — That was three years ago, and I'm still not sure how to respond. I did pick her up, and we had an awful time. On the bright side, she didn't shake uncontrollably on the ground and shit her pants, which was nice.

• "You and I can go see my church counselor and talk about how we can grow together." — This was the first date! I used to be bothered by this but maybe she was smarter than the rest...

• "I would let you come in, and we would have fun, but I haven't shaved in a while." — And here was my cogent, rational response: "And.............?"

• "Could you finish soon? I have an exam to take in 45 minutes." — It was a community college. She failed the exam, blamed me...we never spoke or humped again.

• "We aren't divorced yet, but I'm sure we will file soon, so this isn't really cheating." — I didn't. I really wanted to—I mean, really wanted to—but I did not.

AND FINALLY...

• She asked me about my sex life, and I, for some reason, decided to be a gentleman and ask her back. In what felt like a scene from a snuff film, she replied,

"Two days ago, with a guy I met on Craigslist."