Review: OkCupid.com (I'm going to hell...)

Dating Site Debacles: A Look at OkCupid

Based on my site's traffic, it seems people only care when I write about other dating sites and porn. (On a side note, apparently, I’m a big deal in Turkey. So to Turkey, I say, “How ya doin’? Way to be Muslim without being jerks about holding women back. And democracy—not bad, right?”)

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My Review of OkCupid

This isn't my first time on this site. A few years ago, I used it and met a woman. By "met," I mean she said hi and immediately started sending me naked pictures. I’ll be honest, up until that point, I wasn't sure women like her actually existed. We eventually agreed to meet for coffee on a Sunday morning. Within an hour, we were headed back to my place for some sexual relations. And within an hour of that, she was on her way home. We never spoke again. Weird? For sure. Random? Absolutely. Cool? Kinda, but it’s definitely in my Top Five Weirdest Moments Ever (along with the time I accidentally touched SpongeBob SquarePants inappropriately and a night in Vegas that involved three different continents).

Since Match.com costs money and I'm currently unemployed (thanks for nothing, college degree), I decided to check out the free options. I’ll give OkCupid this: it's not PlentyOfFish.com (more on that in a later post). OkCupid has you set up a standard profile with a picture and asks you a series of questions. After you answer 25 of them, the site generates a compatibility percentage for you and gives you three matches, which they call The Quiver. As you answer more questions, the site reveals how compatible you are with each person, which is a pretty cool feature.

What the site also tells you are the chances that your match will reply to your message. In short, welcome back to middle school, motherfucker. You can read a profile, like someone, but then see that they are "VERY selective about who they respond to." Well, my confidence was sky-high until I read that nonsense. So, whether I like it or not, I have to factor that into my decision before messaging anyone.

And here’s where things get weird: I see a girl I went to high school with. That in itself isn’t very interesting—until I remember she's the girl my buddy, Mike, lost his virginity to. Suddenly, my mind, which has been battered by years of poor decisions and alcohol, remembers every damn detail of them having sex. She liked sex in public. She liked sex often. In short: she liked to hump. A lot. At 31 years old, I should be able to think about something other than that, right? Nope. I eventually decide not to message her because I heard Mike has warts on his ding-dong. Is it true? Were they from her? Does Mike like Asian hookers? I couldn't find the answers, so I decided to move on.

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Final Thoughts

The site seems okay, but I have no idea if it produces any results other than random coffee shop hookups.

You’re probably thinking, “Wow, this is a pretty shitty review... It seems like nothing more than an excuse to tell a story about some random sex you had and to talk about a girl from high school.”

Hi, have we met?

Stir events by Match.com - Part Three: This is starting to get sad

Another Trip to the Wilderness

For reasons I'm still trying to understand, I made a third trip into the wilderness that is a Match.com Stir event. If you're new to my exploits in this arena, you can find my previous posts there. To summarize my first two outings:

• First time: I met up with a friend's girlfriend who was not acting like she had a boyfriend.

• Second time: I came with the friend whose now ex-girlfriend was there the last time. I met someone, but after three months, the relationship ended. Why, you ask? She didn't read well, or at all really. She shared intimate details of our sex life with her entire family (mom, dad, three sisters). And when we had a disagreement once (not a fight, just a calm discussion), she responded by curling up into a ball and sobbing uncontrollably for an hour.

So, the other night was my third trip to Stir. This time, I decided to fly solo. My buddy has found himself a girlfriend, and I couldn't beg anyone else to come with me—you know, I had options and whatnot. Now a veteran of these events, I left with many observations.

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Observations From a Stir Veteran

• Drunk girl: I saw her dancing alone again. She's made appearances at the other events, always completely drunk by the time things start and hitting on every guy there. The weird thing? She's very attractive. I couldn't tell you if she was smart because she slurred her words like a stroke victim. Either way, I'm glad she was there.

• 40-year-old dude in a baseball cap: Listen, Billy Jack, everyone knows you're bald. It's cool. You're fooling no one with the hat. Either shave your head or take the goddamn hat off.

• The husky Indian chick (convenience store, not casino): Last time I was there, I made every attempt to escape her, and she actually asked me, "Why did we never hang out?" The reason why doesn't matter; your being a glutton for punishment is what fascinates me. Do you remember being dismissive of what I did for a living? Or telling me that dumb people watch TV after I told you I loved TV? You fall into one of two categories: a liar or stupid. Which is it?

• People who can't take a hint: Luckily, I learned early on when women weren't interested in me. (Okay, it was in 7th and 8th-grade dances, and the fact that any girl, let alone a mildly attractive one, caused me to have a boner hard enough to cut glass. Looking back, yeah, that was probably a factor.) But I watched men and women continue to bombard the opposite sex with questions when that person was making it painfully obvious they weren't interested. I commend persistence, even if I don't understand it, but it's respectable. Either way, raise your self-awareness a bit and move on.

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Final Thoughts

My night ended with no real prospects on the horizon, but I did get a blog post out of it. More importantly, I'm curious to hear about the experiences others have had at these events. Leave a comment and go wild; spare no embarrassing details.

Note: It will show that I have to approve all comments now because some ass-clown keeps posting spam ads for boner pills on everything I put up. To this person, who speaks English as well as a Vietnamese hooker: I hope your grandmother is attacked by an AIDS-infested wolverine, you pathetic shit.

Stir Events by Match.com: It's like online dating, but with shittier Wi-Fi

I went to a singles event in a quest for love—or at least, a good blog post. The night started with all the usual suspects: drunk college kids, a pack of women who looked like they were on a mission, and a hilarious moment I'm still not over involving two wheelchairs. Everything was going great until I came face-to-face with the last person I ever expected to see. What happened next wasn't just awkward; it was a full-blown dating disaster.

The concept was simple: Match.com rents out a room at a nice bar, fills it with single people, and gets them a bit tipsy.

When I arrived, I was relieved to see the room wasn’t a total sausage fest. My “7th Grade Dance” theory was debunked—everyone was already mingling.

The Highlights Reel:

• My favorite moment: A woman asked a guy in a wheelchair, "Are you two here together?" while he was on the opposite side of the room. Pure comedy.

• The crowd: A normal collection of drunk college kids, a pack of women who seemed to be conducting interviews, and everyone else who was already well on their way to being shit-house drunk.

• The Strategy: I just went up and talked to women directly. Knowing they were single was a huge confidence boost. If a conversation died, it was easy to just move on to the next person.

Then came the unfortunate twist. I saw my friend’s girlfriend. She made it clear she didn't remember me and said she was there to meet "new guys."

Fuck.

I texted my friend:

Me: "I'm at a singles event, and your lady is here."

Him: "Tell her I said hi."

After a quick bathroom break, I found her again.

"Hey, I know you," I said. "I'm Joe…"

She remembered me instantly. After a few expletives, she stammered, "You aren't going to tell him, are you?"

I said nothing.

"I'm just here for moral support," she offered.

(I stare blankly...ok, I blinked some probably)

"I told him I was in Grand Rapids," she tried. "I just didn't say why…"

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "You're cooked."

I paid my tab and left. I didn’t find love, but I did a solid for a friend. All in all, a success.

I hope the wheelchair people ended up rubbing wheels tonight.

The Art of the Setup

Sometimes you write because you have something important to say. Other times, you write simply because you feel you have something informative or entertaining to share.

I've written before about some of the failed attempts friends have made to set me up with others. From a male perspective, these setups fall into one of three categories:

1. The Buddy Setup

Ninety-nine percent of the time, this is about one of your friends trying to set you up with a girl who either rejected his own advances or is a friend of a girl he's trying to sleep with. In the latter case, he knows you can be an asset to him getting some action. These setups are great for most guys because your brains work in a similar way—you like to have sex, and you really like women who enjoy drinking and taking off their shirts. Everyone wins. And even if the setup fails, you still "win" because your buddy understands the entire purpose of the arrangement was to help his friend get laid.

2. The Couple Setup

This one happens a lot and actually happened to me recently. I have a friend I'll call DJ (because that's his real name, but you'll have to pay me more than $23 for his address and Social Security number). He sent me a text tonight asking if I was single and if I'd be interested in meeting his wife's sister. I've known DJ since middle school, and I love him dearly. We played high school football together, and I've seen him naked more times than I can count. That said, we don't talk often. We'll offer each other trades in fantasy football, but we don't just chat to say hi, and we're both okay with this arrangement.

So, did DJ suddenly start caring about my dating life? Hell no. But you know what he does care about? His wife sleeping with him this week. So when she asked him if he had any single friends to date her sister, he suddenly started caring a whole lot. And I don't blame him; I'd do the same thing. Sure, it could get sticky if things don't work out, which means any exit would have to be graceful, but DJ is my boy, and I'll take one for his team so he can get laid. This kind of setup is appreciated, but we all know the real motivation behind it.

3. The Crazy Setup

This happens with people who think they know you but really don't, or people who know you but have extraordinarily poor judgment. My friend John's wife, Connee, wanted to set me up with her coworker, Amy. Aside from the fact that Amy had zero personality, was morbidly obese, and never made eye contact, it would have been perfect. Connee's rationale was, "Amy is single, Joe is single...it might work!" I love Connee dearly; she is a good friend, but this setup proves women can be delusional. At no point did she consider my personality, my likes or dislikes, or the fact that we had nothing in common.

(A quick side story: Part of her thinking was that I'm athletic and so is Amy, and she specifically mentioned that Amy loved to skydive. Standing at the edge of a plane at 10,000 feet, leaning forward, and letting gravity do the work doesn't make you athletic. Actually, it means you're lazy as hell. But I digress...)

Here's the thing: Connee meant well. She saw two single people and wanted to get them together. Her heart was in the right place, but sadly, it was nowhere near logic. These setups are always well-intentioned but poorly executed.

The lesson? Start including a line item for "escorts" in your monthly budget.

Unfortunate Things Women Have Said to Me (Naked or Otherwise)

This list took up my entire workday. It's a collection of quotes from first dates and one-night stands. 

(The distinction will be abundantly clear.)

• "Can you finish soon? I really need to smoke." — See, Debbie liked to smoke. A lot. As it turns out, she liked smoking more than she liked me.

• "My mom is a serious cunt." — Hey, weirdo, I happen to like my mom. This was 29 minutes into our first date.

• "Well, I have enough credits for a degree, which is exactly the same as having a degree." — Umm, no, it isn't. And those pictures you posted were wildly misleading.

• "We can go back to my place, but we need to be really quiet because my kids are sleeping." — Boner Killer 101. I have no issues with you having children, but the fact that you're letting some drunk asshole (me) into your home to have sex while they are asleep is revolting. Pass.

• "You'll need to pick me up for the date because I can't drive... umm, because of the seizures." — That was three years ago, and I'm still not sure how to respond. I did pick her up, and we had an awful time. On the bright side, she didn't shake uncontrollably on the ground and shit her pants, which was nice.

• "You and I can go see my church counselor and talk about how we can grow together." — This was the first date! I used to be bothered by this but maybe she was smarter than the rest...

• "I would let you come in, and we would have fun, but I haven't shaved in a while." — And here was my cogent, rational response: "And.............?"

• "Could you finish soon? I have an exam to take in 45 minutes." — It was a community college. She failed the exam, blamed me...we never spoke or humped again.

• "We aren't divorced yet, but I'm sure we will file soon, so this isn't really cheating." — I didn't. I really wanted to—I mean, really wanted to—but I did not.

AND FINALLY...

• She asked me about my sex life, and I, for some reason, decided to be a gentleman and ask her back. In what felt like a scene from a snuff film, she replied,

"Two days ago, with a guy I met on Craigslist."

Online Dating Tips for Women (Because You Didn't Ask)

Online dating can feel like a minefield, especially with the odds stacked against women. With a 5:1 male-to-female ratio, it's clear the ladies don't need help getting attention. I've seen profiles that mention vindictive exes, veiled references to abuse, and even one where a woman declared, "I don't trust men and won't trust you." Despite these red flags, they all get plenty of emails, winks, and attention from men. Why? Because we can be completely and utterly shameless.

With that in mind, here are some tips to help you attract a decent human being online, along with things to avoid.

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Your Profile Photos

Let's be real: most straight guys like boobs. So it's no surprise that 99% of us are drawn to a picture of them. However, if your profile is a collection of photos of you in a bra or strategically covering your chest, we'll assume you're okay with showing them off regularly. It may not be fair, but it's the truth. If you're not looking to put "all the goods out there" on day one, it's best to keep the cleavage to a minimum on your profile.

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Spelling and Grammar Matter

Please, for the love of all that is holy, use spell check. If I'm reading your profile and it's full of misspellings and no punctuation, I'm going to assume you've either had a traumatic brain injury or you're just not that bright. Either way, I'm probably moving on.

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Choose Your Username Wisely

If your username includes words like Princess, Baby, Hottie, Gorgeous, Bitch, or Sexy (or any variation), I'm going to assume you're a massive pain in the ass with a hefty sense of entitlement. There's nothing wrong with being confident, but these usernames reek of someone who's trying to compensate for a lack of personality.

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It's a Conversation, Not an Interview

When a guy emails you with questions, it means he's interested. If you're interested too, the polite thing to do is email him back, answer his questions, and ask some of your own. This is how a conversation works. Only answering the questions you were asked makes the exchange feel like an interview and gives the impression that you're either not interested or you're just a little dense. If you're not interested, just don't respond at all.

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Leave Your Ex Out of It

Don't mention your ex or how he ruined your life. It comes across as sad and a little pathetic. A dating profile should be about you and what you're looking for, not a summary of your past heartbreaks.

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Be Clear About Your Intentions

If you're not interested in dating or are "just looking for friends," online dating is the wrong place to be. It's not fair to lead a guy on when he's hoping for a potential relationship and you're just looking for a movie buddy. While something serious could develop from a friendship, you're essentially making him play against a stacked deck.

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Common Courtesy Goes a Long Way

Finally, when you get to the point of a first date, always say "thank you." I'm old-fashioned; I always pay for the drinks or dinner, even if she offers to split the bill. Since I asked you out, I believe it's my obligation to pay. In that case, a simple "thanks" is all I need. I'm not asking for favors in the parking lot, just an acknowledgment of the gesture. I can't tell you how many times a date has ended with nothing more than a simple "bye." It's not a deal-breaker, but it's basic common courtesy.