Match.com Date Review: Tierney

Re-entering the Dating World

For reasons I don't fully understand, I decided to re-up my Match.com membership. I had been feeling a bit down on the site lately, mostly because I hadn't had much success, but I realized I was holding a grudge against them for something that wasn't their fault. So, I decided to cast my line out there and try again.

---

A Promising Start

Within the first few days, I began exchanging emails with a woman named T (not Mister...God know we would've gotten along better). We were the same age, had no kids, similar education, and the same sense of humor and religious beliefs. After about a week, we began texting and made plans to meet for drinks. We met last Thursday night, and to my surprise, she looked exactly like her pictures, and conversation came easily! As a veteran of online dating, I know these two attributes on a first date are a rarity.

The night progressed, and everything went well. We laughed and talked about what we would do on our next date. We both had a few drinks, but neither of us was sloppy drunk—just slightly buzzed. As the night ended, I walked her to her car, and she leaned in for a kiss, which promptly turned into a full-blown make-out session. Finally, we pried ourselves apart and called it a night.

---

An Unexpected End

We texted on Friday and Saturday, and everything seemed to be going well. But on Sunday, I received a text that said, "I hope this isn't awkward, but I went out on a date with someone else, and it is going to progress. You are a nice guy. Take care."

I know people date multiple people and that things don't always work out when they feel like they should, but I can't explain why this one bothered me as much as it did. Maybe my sense of the entire situation was off, or maybe she regretted kissing me after the date. Who knows.

All I know is this: I understand less about the dating world at 32 than at any other time in my life. And really, I don't need to understand everything. I just want to know how to make it work. More than anything, I'm just tired of the dating carousel. I'd like to get off now, please.

I'm me (and other reasons I'm an ass)

Ending a relationship is the fastest way to get a brutally honest performance review. Suddenly, your ex is happy to reveal every flaw they ever saw in you. A few pounds? You're a "fat ass." A little sarcastic? You're "dead inside."

(And honestly, she wasn't wrong. Maybe I underestimated her intelligence.)

So, what was the big takeaway from all this? I learned that knowing when a relationship is wrong is just as crucial as knowing when it's right. As a 31-year-old who's emotionally 14, my life advice is usually suspect, but I'm solid on this one.

As for my ex, I genuinely couldn't find a single bad thing to say. Sure, she bleached her hair a lot and wasn't much of a reader, but she was a genuinely sweet and caring person. For some unbiased insight, I turned to the person who knows me best: my mom.

(And by "unbiased," I mean if I used a soup ladle to wipe out an entire nursing home next week, she'd be the first person in the visiting room.)

My mom's professional opinion? "Well, you're a person who needs...space. And you need a person who doesn't need your input. I mean, you're going to give your input, but that person shouldn't care what you have to say."

And that's from the woman who gave birth to me.

After several months in a serious relationship, I can't claim to know what a great relationship looks like, but I now know exactly what it doesn't.

Most importantly, my mom said I'm Ron Jeremy handsome.

The Art of the Setup

Sometimes you write because you have something important to say. Other times, you write simply because you feel you have something informative or entertaining to share.

I've written before about some of the failed attempts friends have made to set me up with others. From a male perspective, these setups fall into one of three categories:

1. The Buddy Setup

Ninety-nine percent of the time, this is about one of your friends trying to set you up with a girl who either rejected his own advances or is a friend of a girl he's trying to sleep with. In the latter case, he knows you can be an asset to him getting some action. These setups are great for most guys because your brains work in a similar way—you like to have sex, and you really like women who enjoy drinking and taking off their shirts. Everyone wins. And even if the setup fails, you still "win" because your buddy understands the entire purpose of the arrangement was to help his friend get laid.

2. The Couple Setup

This one happens a lot and actually happened to me recently. I have a friend I'll call DJ (because that's his real name, but you'll have to pay me more than $23 for his address and Social Security number). He sent me a text tonight asking if I was single and if I'd be interested in meeting his wife's sister. I've known DJ since middle school, and I love him dearly. We played high school football together, and I've seen him naked more times than I can count. That said, we don't talk often. We'll offer each other trades in fantasy football, but we don't just chat to say hi, and we're both okay with this arrangement.

So, did DJ suddenly start caring about my dating life? Hell no. But you know what he does care about? His wife sleeping with him this week. So when she asked him if he had any single friends to date her sister, he suddenly started caring a whole lot. And I don't blame him; I'd do the same thing. Sure, it could get sticky if things don't work out, which means any exit would have to be graceful, but DJ is my boy, and I'll take one for his team so he can get laid. This kind of setup is appreciated, but we all know the real motivation behind it.

3. The Crazy Setup

This happens with people who think they know you but really don't, or people who know you but have extraordinarily poor judgment. My friend John's wife, Connee, wanted to set me up with her coworker, Amy. Aside from the fact that Amy had zero personality, was morbidly obese, and never made eye contact, it would have been perfect. Connee's rationale was, "Amy is single, Joe is single...it might work!" I love Connee dearly; she is a good friend, but this setup proves women can be delusional. At no point did she consider my personality, my likes or dislikes, or the fact that we had nothing in common.

(A quick side story: Part of her thinking was that I'm athletic and so is Amy, and she specifically mentioned that Amy loved to skydive. Standing at the edge of a plane at 10,000 feet, leaning forward, and letting gravity do the work doesn't make you athletic. Actually, it means you're lazy as hell. But I digress...)

Here's the thing: Connee meant well. She saw two single people and wanted to get them together. Her heart was in the right place, but sadly, it was nowhere near logic. These setups are always well-intentioned but poorly executed.

The lesson? Start including a line item for "escorts" in your monthly budget.