I'm me (and other reasons I'm an ass)

Ending a relationship is the fastest way to get a brutally honest performance review. Suddenly, your ex is happy to reveal every flaw they ever saw in you. A few pounds? You're a "fat ass." A little sarcastic? You're "dead inside."

(And honestly, she wasn't wrong. Maybe I underestimated her intelligence.)

So, what was the big takeaway from all this? I learned that knowing when a relationship is wrong is just as crucial as knowing when it's right. As a 31-year-old who's emotionally 14, my life advice is usually suspect, but I'm solid on this one.

As for my ex, I genuinely couldn't find a single bad thing to say. Sure, she bleached her hair a lot and wasn't much of a reader, but she was a genuinely sweet and caring person. For some unbiased insight, I turned to the person who knows me best: my mom.

(And by "unbiased," I mean if I used a soup ladle to wipe out an entire nursing home next week, she'd be the first person in the visiting room.)

My mom's professional opinion? "Well, you're a person who needs...space. And you need a person who doesn't need your input. I mean, you're going to give your input, but that person shouldn't care what you have to say."

And that's from the woman who gave birth to me.

After several months in a serious relationship, I can't claim to know what a great relationship looks like, but I now know exactly what it doesn't.

Most importantly, my mom said I'm Ron Jeremy handsome.

Dating 101 for Dudes: Stop being yourself

Dating Advice for the Fellas

Since I offered some unsolicited advice to the ladies, I figured you guys could use some equally useless dating advice.

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Keep the First Date Simple

Don't plan a bunch of extravagant stuff for a first date. When I first started dating after my divorce, I'd plan nice dinners and multiple activities, only to realize I was wasting a ton of cash on women I had little in common with. Stop it. For a first date, just plan for drinks or coffee—nothing more. If you're both enjoying yourselves at the end of it, feel free to extend the evening. But if she's a total pain in the ass, you can cut your losses after a single drink.

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Just Be Yourself

There's no point in spending the first few dates pretending to be someone you're not. At some point, the real you is going to emerge, and it'll be in stark contrast to who you've pretended to be. Knock that off. When you meet the right person, whether it's for the night or forever, it'll be because of who you truly are, not who you fake being.

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Be Polite

Hold open doors, offer to buy drinks, and just be polite. Maybe this won't get you laid, but it'll mean you aren't a jerk, which counts for something as far as karma is concerned.

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Listen More, Talk Less

Shut the f* up**. Smile a lot, ask questions, and let her talk about herself. Throw in funny comments when you can, and only talk when you have something meaningful to say. Mostly, though, realize that she probably doesn't give a damn about most of what you have to say. Don't be rude; just smile, ask about her, listen, and whatever you do, don't one-up her stories. (In fact, don't do that to anyone, unless you want to be an asshole.)

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Be Honest, But Not Brutally Honest

Say things like, "You look great" and "It was a lot of fun to hang out with you." Avoid statements like, "Your p* stinks**" or "I think you're a b**." These sound funny and obvious, but some guys get a few drinks in them and decide to be "cute." See Rule #4: Shut the fuck up.

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Act Confident

Confidence can be hard for a lot of us because it may not be in our nature. If you're not confident, follow this rule: act as if. Just pretend you are confident. Believe that someone, somewhere, is going to find you attractive. Maybe it's not the girl you're on a date with, but someone will be into you for who you actually are. It's the law of averages, man. I know a guy who was a total nerd in high school, moved to Korea, and now has a hot wife. I'm just sayin'—it happens. Just be you.

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Don't Be Pushy

There's a fine line between taking a chance when you think she's interested and being a pushy douche. If you think she's into you and you're feeling the moment, take your shot. Maybe you'll miss (aka get shot the f*** down), but at least you took a chance. Now, if you get rejected and keep pushing, you're probably a creepy dude. Maybe it works with some women, but it most likely means you're a shitty person.

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So, that's what I've got, fellas. In short: don't be a dick.