Tinder: A Reflection on Modern Dating

It recently dawned on me that it's been a while since I've explored new dating sites, a realization that hit me as I was busy swiping on Tinder. For those unfamiliar, Tinder is a mobile app that uses your Facebook profile to create a simple dating profile. What began as an app for casual hookups has now become a viable option for serious daters. And it's free, sort of—more on that later. My first impression of Tinder was that it was bizarre and superficial. Once you open the app, it uses your location to find matches nearby. The only filters you can set are the age range and distance. As photos appear, you swipe left to reject and right to accept. If both people swipe right, you're a match and can start texting through the app.

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My Conflicted Feelings on Tinder

I've struggled to write about Tinder because of my mixed feelings. On one hand, it's easy, fun, and a quick way to check out potential matches. You can glance at a picture and instantly judge if someone is "worthy" of your time. We all do a version of this in real life—scanning a crowd, spotting an attractive person, and instantly checking their ring finger. However, something about Tinder feels much more shallow to me. The swipes are a quiet, thoughtless acceptance or rejection, and I'm just as guilty of this as anyone.

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A Real-Time Analysis

To illustrate this, here’s a real-time analysis of some of my recent Tinder matches (names and ages have been changed):

• Amber, 25: Very pretty, four-word profile. SWIPE RIGHT

• Lindsay, 29: Two similar interests, no written profile. SWIPE LEFT

• Renee, 30: No written profile, attractive, kids in every picture. SWIPE LEFT

• Jenna, 37: Not attractive, lots of pictures of cats and kids. SWIPE LEFT

• Sammie, 28: Very cute, tons of tattoos, one similar interest, no written profile. SWIPE RIGHT

What did this little experiment teach me? That I can be a terrible, superficial person. But isn't that the point of Tinder? You make split-second judgments and move on to the next person. While technology has changed how we meet people, we have to ask if it’s for the better. We're now screening potential partners based solely on a few photos, shared interests, and a couple of sentences. A swipe left banishes someone from our lives, while a swipe right puts them in a "maybe" pile.

I'm not saying this is entirely wrong, but it does feel like we've become our online "profiles"—easily created and just as easily discarded. After writing down whether or not someone is "worthy" of me, I have to admit that a swipe left for myself feels well-deserved.

Match.com Date Review: Tierney

Re-entering the Dating World

For reasons I don't fully understand, I decided to re-up my Match.com membership. I had been feeling a bit down on the site lately, mostly because I hadn't had much success, but I realized I was holding a grudge against them for something that wasn't their fault. So, I decided to cast my line out there and try again.

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A Promising Start

Within the first few days, I began exchanging emails with a woman named T (not Mister...God know we would've gotten along better). We were the same age, had no kids, similar education, and the same sense of humor and religious beliefs. After about a week, we began texting and made plans to meet for drinks. We met last Thursday night, and to my surprise, she looked exactly like her pictures, and conversation came easily! As a veteran of online dating, I know these two attributes on a first date are a rarity.

The night progressed, and everything went well. We laughed and talked about what we would do on our next date. We both had a few drinks, but neither of us was sloppy drunk—just slightly buzzed. As the night ended, I walked her to her car, and she leaned in for a kiss, which promptly turned into a full-blown make-out session. Finally, we pried ourselves apart and called it a night.

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An Unexpected End

We texted on Friday and Saturday, and everything seemed to be going well. But on Sunday, I received a text that said, "I hope this isn't awkward, but I went out on a date with someone else, and it is going to progress. You are a nice guy. Take care."

I know people date multiple people and that things don't always work out when they feel like they should, but I can't explain why this one bothered me as much as it did. Maybe my sense of the entire situation was off, or maybe she regretted kissing me after the date. Who knows.

All I know is this: I understand less about the dating world at 32 than at any other time in my life. And really, I don't need to understand everything. I just want to know how to make it work. More than anything, I'm just tired of the dating carousel. I'd like to get off now, please.

Review: OkCupid.com (I'm going to hell...)

Dating Site Debacles: A Look at OkCupid

Based on my site's traffic, it seems people only care when I write about other dating sites and porn. (On a side note, apparently, I’m a big deal in Turkey. So to Turkey, I say, “How ya doin’? Way to be Muslim without being jerks about holding women back. And democracy—not bad, right?”)

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My Review of OkCupid

This isn't my first time on this site. A few years ago, I used it and met a woman. By "met," I mean she said hi and immediately started sending me naked pictures. I’ll be honest, up until that point, I wasn't sure women like her actually existed. We eventually agreed to meet for coffee on a Sunday morning. Within an hour, we were headed back to my place for some sexual relations. And within an hour of that, she was on her way home. We never spoke again. Weird? For sure. Random? Absolutely. Cool? Kinda, but it’s definitely in my Top Five Weirdest Moments Ever (along with the time I accidentally touched SpongeBob SquarePants inappropriately and a night in Vegas that involved three different continents).

Since Match.com costs money and I'm currently unemployed (thanks for nothing, college degree), I decided to check out the free options. I’ll give OkCupid this: it's not PlentyOfFish.com (more on that in a later post). OkCupid has you set up a standard profile with a picture and asks you a series of questions. After you answer 25 of them, the site generates a compatibility percentage for you and gives you three matches, which they call The Quiver. As you answer more questions, the site reveals how compatible you are with each person, which is a pretty cool feature.

What the site also tells you are the chances that your match will reply to your message. In short, welcome back to middle school, motherfucker. You can read a profile, like someone, but then see that they are "VERY selective about who they respond to." Well, my confidence was sky-high until I read that nonsense. So, whether I like it or not, I have to factor that into my decision before messaging anyone.

And here’s where things get weird: I see a girl I went to high school with. That in itself isn’t very interesting—until I remember she's the girl my buddy, Mike, lost his virginity to. Suddenly, my mind, which has been battered by years of poor decisions and alcohol, remembers every damn detail of them having sex. She liked sex in public. She liked sex often. In short: she liked to hump. A lot. At 31 years old, I should be able to think about something other than that, right? Nope. I eventually decide not to message her because I heard Mike has warts on his ding-dong. Is it true? Were they from her? Does Mike like Asian hookers? I couldn't find the answers, so I decided to move on.

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Final Thoughts

The site seems okay, but I have no idea if it produces any results other than random coffee shop hookups.

You’re probably thinking, “Wow, this is a pretty shitty review... It seems like nothing more than an excuse to tell a story about some random sex you had and to talk about a girl from high school.”

Hi, have we met?

Stir events by Match.com - Part Three: This is starting to get sad

Another Trip to the Wilderness

For reasons I'm still trying to understand, I made a third trip into the wilderness that is a Match.com Stir event. If you're new to my exploits in this arena, you can find my previous posts there. To summarize my first two outings:

• First time: I met up with a friend's girlfriend who was not acting like she had a boyfriend.

• Second time: I came with the friend whose now ex-girlfriend was there the last time. I met someone, but after three months, the relationship ended. Why, you ask? She didn't read well, or at all really. She shared intimate details of our sex life with her entire family (mom, dad, three sisters). And when we had a disagreement once (not a fight, just a calm discussion), she responded by curling up into a ball and sobbing uncontrollably for an hour.

So, the other night was my third trip to Stir. This time, I decided to fly solo. My buddy has found himself a girlfriend, and I couldn't beg anyone else to come with me—you know, I had options and whatnot. Now a veteran of these events, I left with many observations.

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Observations From a Stir Veteran

• Drunk girl: I saw her dancing alone again. She's made appearances at the other events, always completely drunk by the time things start and hitting on every guy there. The weird thing? She's very attractive. I couldn't tell you if she was smart because she slurred her words like a stroke victim. Either way, I'm glad she was there.

• 40-year-old dude in a baseball cap: Listen, Billy Jack, everyone knows you're bald. It's cool. You're fooling no one with the hat. Either shave your head or take the goddamn hat off.

• The husky Indian chick (convenience store, not casino): Last time I was there, I made every attempt to escape her, and she actually asked me, "Why did we never hang out?" The reason why doesn't matter; your being a glutton for punishment is what fascinates me. Do you remember being dismissive of what I did for a living? Or telling me that dumb people watch TV after I told you I loved TV? You fall into one of two categories: a liar or stupid. Which is it?

• People who can't take a hint: Luckily, I learned early on when women weren't interested in me. (Okay, it was in 7th and 8th-grade dances, and the fact that any girl, let alone a mildly attractive one, caused me to have a boner hard enough to cut glass. Looking back, yeah, that was probably a factor.) But I watched men and women continue to bombard the opposite sex with questions when that person was making it painfully obvious they weren't interested. I commend persistence, even if I don't understand it, but it's respectable. Either way, raise your self-awareness a bit and move on.

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Final Thoughts

My night ended with no real prospects on the horizon, but I did get a blog post out of it. More importantly, I'm curious to hear about the experiences others have had at these events. Leave a comment and go wild; spare no embarrassing details.

Note: It will show that I have to approve all comments now because some ass-clown keeps posting spam ads for boner pills on everything I put up. To this person, who speaks English as well as a Vietnamese hooker: I hope your grandmother is attacked by an AIDS-infested wolverine, you pathetic shit.

Dating 101 for Dudes: Stop being yourself

Dating Advice for the Fellas

Since I offered some unsolicited advice to the ladies, I figured you guys could use some equally useless dating advice.

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Keep the First Date Simple

Don't plan a bunch of extravagant stuff for a first date. When I first started dating after my divorce, I'd plan nice dinners and multiple activities, only to realize I was wasting a ton of cash on women I had little in common with. Stop it. For a first date, just plan for drinks or coffee—nothing more. If you're both enjoying yourselves at the end of it, feel free to extend the evening. But if she's a total pain in the ass, you can cut your losses after a single drink.

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Just Be Yourself

There's no point in spending the first few dates pretending to be someone you're not. At some point, the real you is going to emerge, and it'll be in stark contrast to who you've pretended to be. Knock that off. When you meet the right person, whether it's for the night or forever, it'll be because of who you truly are, not who you fake being.

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Be Polite

Hold open doors, offer to buy drinks, and just be polite. Maybe this won't get you laid, but it'll mean you aren't a jerk, which counts for something as far as karma is concerned.

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Listen More, Talk Less

Shut the f* up**. Smile a lot, ask questions, and let her talk about herself. Throw in funny comments when you can, and only talk when you have something meaningful to say. Mostly, though, realize that she probably doesn't give a damn about most of what you have to say. Don't be rude; just smile, ask about her, listen, and whatever you do, don't one-up her stories. (In fact, don't do that to anyone, unless you want to be an asshole.)

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Be Honest, But Not Brutally Honest

Say things like, "You look great" and "It was a lot of fun to hang out with you." Avoid statements like, "Your p* stinks**" or "I think you're a b**." These sound funny and obvious, but some guys get a few drinks in them and decide to be "cute." See Rule #4: Shut the fuck up.

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Act Confident

Confidence can be hard for a lot of us because it may not be in our nature. If you're not confident, follow this rule: act as if. Just pretend you are confident. Believe that someone, somewhere, is going to find you attractive. Maybe it's not the girl you're on a date with, but someone will be into you for who you actually are. It's the law of averages, man. I know a guy who was a total nerd in high school, moved to Korea, and now has a hot wife. I'm just sayin'—it happens. Just be you.

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Don't Be Pushy

There's a fine line between taking a chance when you think she's interested and being a pushy douche. If you think she's into you and you're feeling the moment, take your shot. Maybe you'll miss (aka get shot the f*** down), but at least you took a chance. Now, if you get rejected and keep pushing, you're probably a creepy dude. Maybe it works with some women, but it most likely means you're a shitty person.

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So, that's what I've got, fellas. In short: don't be a dick.

Online Dating Tips for Women (Because You Didn't Ask)

Online dating can feel like a minefield, especially with the odds stacked against women. With a 5:1 male-to-female ratio, it's clear the ladies don't need help getting attention. I've seen profiles that mention vindictive exes, veiled references to abuse, and even one where a woman declared, "I don't trust men and won't trust you." Despite these red flags, they all get plenty of emails, winks, and attention from men. Why? Because we can be completely and utterly shameless.

With that in mind, here are some tips to help you attract a decent human being online, along with things to avoid.

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Your Profile Photos

Let's be real: most straight guys like boobs. So it's no surprise that 99% of us are drawn to a picture of them. However, if your profile is a collection of photos of you in a bra or strategically covering your chest, we'll assume you're okay with showing them off regularly. It may not be fair, but it's the truth. If you're not looking to put "all the goods out there" on day one, it's best to keep the cleavage to a minimum on your profile.

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Spelling and Grammar Matter

Please, for the love of all that is holy, use spell check. If I'm reading your profile and it's full of misspellings and no punctuation, I'm going to assume you've either had a traumatic brain injury or you're just not that bright. Either way, I'm probably moving on.

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Choose Your Username Wisely

If your username includes words like Princess, Baby, Hottie, Gorgeous, Bitch, or Sexy (or any variation), I'm going to assume you're a massive pain in the ass with a hefty sense of entitlement. There's nothing wrong with being confident, but these usernames reek of someone who's trying to compensate for a lack of personality.

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It's a Conversation, Not an Interview

When a guy emails you with questions, it means he's interested. If you're interested too, the polite thing to do is email him back, answer his questions, and ask some of your own. This is how a conversation works. Only answering the questions you were asked makes the exchange feel like an interview and gives the impression that you're either not interested or you're just a little dense. If you're not interested, just don't respond at all.

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Leave Your Ex Out of It

Don't mention your ex or how he ruined your life. It comes across as sad and a little pathetic. A dating profile should be about you and what you're looking for, not a summary of your past heartbreaks.

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Be Clear About Your Intentions

If you're not interested in dating or are "just looking for friends," online dating is the wrong place to be. It's not fair to lead a guy on when he's hoping for a potential relationship and you're just looking for a movie buddy. While something serious could develop from a friendship, you're essentially making him play against a stacked deck.

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Common Courtesy Goes a Long Way

Finally, when you get to the point of a first date, always say "thank you." I'm old-fashioned; I always pay for the drinks or dinner, even if she offers to split the bill. Since I asked you out, I believe it's my obligation to pay. In that case, a simple "thanks" is all I need. I'm not asking for favors in the parking lot, just an acknowledgment of the gesture. I can't tell you how many times a date has ended with nothing more than a simple "bye." It's not a deal-breaker, but it's basic common courtesy.