Stir events by Match.com - Part Three: This is starting to get sad

Another Trip to the Wilderness

For reasons I'm still trying to understand, I made a third trip into the wilderness that is a Match.com Stir event. If you're new to my exploits in this arena, you can find my previous posts there. To summarize my first two outings:

• First time: I met up with a friend's girlfriend who was not acting like she had a boyfriend.

• Second time: I came with the friend whose now ex-girlfriend was there the last time. I met someone, but after three months, the relationship ended. Why, you ask? She didn't read well, or at all really. She shared intimate details of our sex life with her entire family (mom, dad, three sisters). And when we had a disagreement once (not a fight, just a calm discussion), she responded by curling up into a ball and sobbing uncontrollably for an hour.

So, the other night was my third trip to Stir. This time, I decided to fly solo. My buddy has found himself a girlfriend, and I couldn't beg anyone else to come with me—you know, I had options and whatnot. Now a veteran of these events, I left with many observations.

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Observations From a Stir Veteran

• Drunk girl: I saw her dancing alone again. She's made appearances at the other events, always completely drunk by the time things start and hitting on every guy there. The weird thing? She's very attractive. I couldn't tell you if she was smart because she slurred her words like a stroke victim. Either way, I'm glad she was there.

• 40-year-old dude in a baseball cap: Listen, Billy Jack, everyone knows you're bald. It's cool. You're fooling no one with the hat. Either shave your head or take the goddamn hat off.

• The husky Indian chick (convenience store, not casino): Last time I was there, I made every attempt to escape her, and she actually asked me, "Why did we never hang out?" The reason why doesn't matter; your being a glutton for punishment is what fascinates me. Do you remember being dismissive of what I did for a living? Or telling me that dumb people watch TV after I told you I loved TV? You fall into one of two categories: a liar or stupid. Which is it?

• People who can't take a hint: Luckily, I learned early on when women weren't interested in me. (Okay, it was in 7th and 8th-grade dances, and the fact that any girl, let alone a mildly attractive one, caused me to have a boner hard enough to cut glass. Looking back, yeah, that was probably a factor.) But I watched men and women continue to bombard the opposite sex with questions when that person was making it painfully obvious they weren't interested. I commend persistence, even if I don't understand it, but it's respectable. Either way, raise your self-awareness a bit and move on.

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Final Thoughts

My night ended with no real prospects on the horizon, but I did get a blog post out of it. More importantly, I'm curious to hear about the experiences others have had at these events. Leave a comment and go wild; spare no embarrassing details.

Note: It will show that I have to approve all comments now because some ass-clown keeps posting spam ads for boner pills on everything I put up. To this person, who speaks English as well as a Vietnamese hooker: I hope your grandmother is attacked by an AIDS-infested wolverine, you pathetic shit.

I Went to Another Match.com Event So You Don't Have To

Match.com's "Stir" events are always an adventure. After a messy encounter with my friend's girlfriend at the last one, I was hesitant to go back. Luckily, that drama meant my friend was now newly single, and I had the perfect wingman for round two.

A Night of Horrors (and Humor)

Going in with a friend makes these events so much easier. We headed to a Grand Rapids bar, grabbed some beers, and took in the scene. Just like the last time, it was a 50/50 split of men and women, with people of all ages. My buddy, a 6'5" dude in his early 40s, would soon discover his height attracts a very... special kind of woman.

It wasn't long before we were approached by a dynamic duo: Amanda, 34, and Marie, 51. While Amanda's body was a bit… uniquely shaped, Marie was rail-thin and a self-proclaimed "huge fan" of tall guys. After ten minutes of polite chatter, Marie looked at my friend and, completely straight-faced, asked, "I bet I could climb you, mind if I try?" The silence was deafening. My friend and I just stared at each other, trying to process if we had just heard what we thought we heard. Note to self: know when to pull the ripcord and make a swift exit.

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After an unceremonious escape from the world's worst morning radio show duo, we were immediately cornered by a group of five insurance agents. This crew was mostly forgettable, save for Sandy, a short, stout, and aggressive woman who put me through a rapid-fire interview: "Where do you work? What do you read? Do you travel?" She would then answer her own questions, immediately followed by her unfiltered opinion. "Do you watch TV? I think TV is for dumb people. Successful people climbing the corporate ladder don't watch TV." When I admitted my love for television, she actually responded, "So you don't want to be successful?"

At that point, I knew I had to make a move. You can insult me, but don't you dare besmirch the good name of television.

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I literally turned my back on Sandy, not knowing what or who was behind me. That's when I met Kristen. She was cute, funny, and — best of all — a fellow Detroit Tigers fan. We started talking, and the conversation just flowed. She asked questions and listened to the answers. Whatever "it" is, we had it.

Meanwhile, my poor friend was still trapped in the circle of insurance agents, fighting for his life. He eventually learned the last great lesson of a Match Stir event: don't be afraid to politely cut bait.

The night ended on a high note when Kristen gave me her number. We've been hanging out ever since. We laugh at the same things and have the same laid-back attitude. Our tastes in music are a bit of a train wreck, but everything else is going great.

So, if you're thinking about a Match event, go for it. Just know you'll meet all kinds of people: the good, the bad, and the climbers.

The Art of the Setup

Sometimes you write because you have something important to say. Other times, you write simply because you feel you have something informative or entertaining to share.

I've written before about some of the failed attempts friends have made to set me up with others. From a male perspective, these setups fall into one of three categories:

1. The Buddy Setup

Ninety-nine percent of the time, this is about one of your friends trying to set you up with a girl who either rejected his own advances or is a friend of a girl he's trying to sleep with. In the latter case, he knows you can be an asset to him getting some action. These setups are great for most guys because your brains work in a similar way—you like to have sex, and you really like women who enjoy drinking and taking off their shirts. Everyone wins. And even if the setup fails, you still "win" because your buddy understands the entire purpose of the arrangement was to help his friend get laid.

2. The Couple Setup

This one happens a lot and actually happened to me recently. I have a friend I'll call DJ (because that's his real name, but you'll have to pay me more than $23 for his address and Social Security number). He sent me a text tonight asking if I was single and if I'd be interested in meeting his wife's sister. I've known DJ since middle school, and I love him dearly. We played high school football together, and I've seen him naked more times than I can count. That said, we don't talk often. We'll offer each other trades in fantasy football, but we don't just chat to say hi, and we're both okay with this arrangement.

So, did DJ suddenly start caring about my dating life? Hell no. But you know what he does care about? His wife sleeping with him this week. So when she asked him if he had any single friends to date her sister, he suddenly started caring a whole lot. And I don't blame him; I'd do the same thing. Sure, it could get sticky if things don't work out, which means any exit would have to be graceful, but DJ is my boy, and I'll take one for his team so he can get laid. This kind of setup is appreciated, but we all know the real motivation behind it.

3. The Crazy Setup

This happens with people who think they know you but really don't, or people who know you but have extraordinarily poor judgment. My friend John's wife, Connee, wanted to set me up with her coworker, Amy. Aside from the fact that Amy had zero personality, was morbidly obese, and never made eye contact, it would have been perfect. Connee's rationale was, "Amy is single, Joe is single...it might work!" I love Connee dearly; she is a good friend, but this setup proves women can be delusional. At no point did she consider my personality, my likes or dislikes, or the fact that we had nothing in common.

(A quick side story: Part of her thinking was that I'm athletic and so is Amy, and she specifically mentioned that Amy loved to skydive. Standing at the edge of a plane at 10,000 feet, leaning forward, and letting gravity do the work doesn't make you athletic. Actually, it means you're lazy as hell. But I digress...)

Here's the thing: Connee meant well. She saw two single people and wanted to get them together. Her heart was in the right place, but sadly, it was nowhere near logic. These setups are always well-intentioned but poorly executed.

The lesson? Start including a line item for "escorts" in your monthly budget.