Unfortunate Things Women Have Said to Me (Naked or Otherwise)

This list took up my entire workday. It's a collection of quotes from first dates and one-night stands. 

(The distinction will be abundantly clear.)

• "Can you finish soon? I really need to smoke." — See, Debbie liked to smoke. A lot. As it turns out, she liked smoking more than she liked me.

• "My mom is a serious cunt." — Hey, weirdo, I happen to like my mom. This was 29 minutes into our first date.

• "Well, I have enough credits for a degree, which is exactly the same as having a degree." — Umm, no, it isn't. And those pictures you posted were wildly misleading.

• "We can go back to my place, but we need to be really quiet because my kids are sleeping." — Boner Killer 101. I have no issues with you having children, but the fact that you're letting some drunk asshole (me) into your home to have sex while they are asleep is revolting. Pass.

• "You'll need to pick me up for the date because I can't drive... umm, because of the seizures." — That was three years ago, and I'm still not sure how to respond. I did pick her up, and we had an awful time. On the bright side, she didn't shake uncontrollably on the ground and shit her pants, which was nice.

• "You and I can go see my church counselor and talk about how we can grow together." — This was the first date! I used to be bothered by this but maybe she was smarter than the rest...

• "I would let you come in, and we would have fun, but I haven't shaved in a while." — And here was my cogent, rational response: "And.............?"

• "Could you finish soon? I have an exam to take in 45 minutes." — It was a community college. She failed the exam, blamed me...we never spoke or humped again.

• "We aren't divorced yet, but I'm sure we will file soon, so this isn't really cheating." — I didn't. I really wanted to—I mean, really wanted to—but I did not.

AND FINALLY...

• She asked me about my sex life, and I, for some reason, decided to be a gentleman and ask her back. In what felt like a scene from a snuff film, she replied,

"Two days ago, with a guy I met on Craigslist."

Dating 101 for Dudes: Stop being yourself

Dating Advice for the Fellas

Since I offered some unsolicited advice to the ladies, I figured you guys could use some equally useless dating advice.

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Keep the First Date Simple

Don't plan a bunch of extravagant stuff for a first date. When I first started dating after my divorce, I'd plan nice dinners and multiple activities, only to realize I was wasting a ton of cash on women I had little in common with. Stop it. For a first date, just plan for drinks or coffee—nothing more. If you're both enjoying yourselves at the end of it, feel free to extend the evening. But if she's a total pain in the ass, you can cut your losses after a single drink.

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Just Be Yourself

There's no point in spending the first few dates pretending to be someone you're not. At some point, the real you is going to emerge, and it'll be in stark contrast to who you've pretended to be. Knock that off. When you meet the right person, whether it's for the night or forever, it'll be because of who you truly are, not who you fake being.

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Be Polite

Hold open doors, offer to buy drinks, and just be polite. Maybe this won't get you laid, but it'll mean you aren't a jerk, which counts for something as far as karma is concerned.

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Listen More, Talk Less

Shut the f* up**. Smile a lot, ask questions, and let her talk about herself. Throw in funny comments when you can, and only talk when you have something meaningful to say. Mostly, though, realize that she probably doesn't give a damn about most of what you have to say. Don't be rude; just smile, ask about her, listen, and whatever you do, don't one-up her stories. (In fact, don't do that to anyone, unless you want to be an asshole.)

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Be Honest, But Not Brutally Honest

Say things like, "You look great" and "It was a lot of fun to hang out with you." Avoid statements like, "Your p* stinks**" or "I think you're a b**." These sound funny and obvious, but some guys get a few drinks in them and decide to be "cute." See Rule #4: Shut the fuck up.

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Act Confident

Confidence can be hard for a lot of us because it may not be in our nature. If you're not confident, follow this rule: act as if. Just pretend you are confident. Believe that someone, somewhere, is going to find you attractive. Maybe it's not the girl you're on a date with, but someone will be into you for who you actually are. It's the law of averages, man. I know a guy who was a total nerd in high school, moved to Korea, and now has a hot wife. I'm just sayin'—it happens. Just be you.

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Don't Be Pushy

There's a fine line between taking a chance when you think she's interested and being a pushy douche. If you think she's into you and you're feeling the moment, take your shot. Maybe you'll miss (aka get shot the f*** down), but at least you took a chance. Now, if you get rejected and keep pushing, you're probably a creepy dude. Maybe it works with some women, but it most likely means you're a shitty person.

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So, that's what I've got, fellas. In short: don't be a dick.

Online Dating Tips for Women (Because You Didn't Ask)

Online dating can feel like a minefield, especially with the odds stacked against women. With a 5:1 male-to-female ratio, it's clear the ladies don't need help getting attention. I've seen profiles that mention vindictive exes, veiled references to abuse, and even one where a woman declared, "I don't trust men and won't trust you." Despite these red flags, they all get plenty of emails, winks, and attention from men. Why? Because we can be completely and utterly shameless.

With that in mind, here are some tips to help you attract a decent human being online, along with things to avoid.

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Your Profile Photos

Let's be real: most straight guys like boobs. So it's no surprise that 99% of us are drawn to a picture of them. However, if your profile is a collection of photos of you in a bra or strategically covering your chest, we'll assume you're okay with showing them off regularly. It may not be fair, but it's the truth. If you're not looking to put "all the goods out there" on day one, it's best to keep the cleavage to a minimum on your profile.

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Spelling and Grammar Matter

Please, for the love of all that is holy, use spell check. If I'm reading your profile and it's full of misspellings and no punctuation, I'm going to assume you've either had a traumatic brain injury or you're just not that bright. Either way, I'm probably moving on.

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Choose Your Username Wisely

If your username includes words like Princess, Baby, Hottie, Gorgeous, Bitch, or Sexy (or any variation), I'm going to assume you're a massive pain in the ass with a hefty sense of entitlement. There's nothing wrong with being confident, but these usernames reek of someone who's trying to compensate for a lack of personality.

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It's a Conversation, Not an Interview

When a guy emails you with questions, it means he's interested. If you're interested too, the polite thing to do is email him back, answer his questions, and ask some of your own. This is how a conversation works. Only answering the questions you were asked makes the exchange feel like an interview and gives the impression that you're either not interested or you're just a little dense. If you're not interested, just don't respond at all.

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Leave Your Ex Out of It

Don't mention your ex or how he ruined your life. It comes across as sad and a little pathetic. A dating profile should be about you and what you're looking for, not a summary of your past heartbreaks.

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Be Clear About Your Intentions

If you're not interested in dating or are "just looking for friends," online dating is the wrong place to be. It's not fair to lead a guy on when he's hoping for a potential relationship and you're just looking for a movie buddy. While something serious could develop from a friendship, you're essentially making him play against a stacked deck.

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Common Courtesy Goes a Long Way

Finally, when you get to the point of a first date, always say "thank you." I'm old-fashioned; I always pay for the drinks or dinner, even if she offers to split the bill. Since I asked you out, I believe it's my obligation to pay. In that case, a simple "thanks" is all I need. I'm not asking for favors in the parking lot, just an acknowledgment of the gesture. I can't tell you how many times a date has ended with nothing more than a simple "bye." It's not a deal-breaker, but it's basic common courtesy.

Dating Diary: I Once Dated a Barb (Who lived up to the name)

After things ended with Jill, I spent a few months collecting my thoughts and trying to figure out why I had been such an ass. That's when a friend introduced me to his coworker, Barb. She was 29, a working professional with a serious demeanor and a bitchin' old-school Mustang convertible. I'm not even a "car guy," but even I had to admit it was a sweet ride.

After the initial meet-and-greet, we decided to get drinks. And this is where Barb earns the honesty award.

We were two beers into our second time ever hanging out, and everything was going well. I was sober, and I think she was, too. Apropos of nothing, Barb blurted out, "Umm, it's not like I have HIV or anything, but I do have herpes."

My brain went, "Hmm..."

Listen, there's nothing funny about having an STD. Nothing. But it was certainly an interesting time to tell me—over drinks, when the only physical contact we'd had was a handshake. And let me be clear, I'm glad she told me—good for her. I also give her credit for the opener, "It's not like I have HIV..." because when you compare herpes to that, it doesn't seem as bad.

No one ever really trains you how to respond to a statement like this, especially when it comes out of the fucking blue. As I racked my brain for all the info I retained from high school health class, I sputtered out the only response that came to mind: "That's cool, dude." I'm sure that was ultra-reassuring.

Barb and I

Barb and I dated for a few months, but things got weird when we got physical. I wasn't 100% clear on the "rules" of having sex, given the circumstances, and neither was she. I feel like I would be crystal fucking clear on the limitations of herpes sex, but that's just me.

Our physical contact was limited to hand jobs, which I gathered she hadn't done much. I came to this conclusion (and believe me, it was the only time I came with Barb) because it was so painful. She violently tugged and pulled on me like she was playing foosball. When I gently suggested, "That feels good but...could you try doing it like this?" I was told it made me a "world-class asshole." She later yelled at me, "You should be grateful I'm touching you at all!"

And just like that, I finally understood why Barb was single.

She later apologized, but this rocket ship was plummeting toward Earth in a hurry. Since neither of us knew the physical boundaries and anything with our hands was off the table, we dry-humped a lot and were both left unsatisfied. The breaking point came when she suggested we have sex and that life with herpes "wasn't that bad...if I just got used to it."

That was too much information for me to process, so I decided to put the relationship out of its misery. Deciding to catch an STD seemed like a bigger commitment than I was ready for.

Maybe I handled it incorrectly, but I learned one important lesson: those health classes from high school were fucking useless.

A Dating Diary: My Divorce and a Security Guard Named Jill

After my divorce, I coped like any mature adult: by drinking excessively and hiding in my room. For six months, my routine was a grim cycle of work, liquor, and getting drunk alone. I heard my ex was already with someone new, a detail a "real friend" would have kept to themselves.

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The Call Center and the Security Guard

I was a call center drone, making $11 an hour. I called it a "death march" past security, hanging my soul on the coat rack each morning. But then I saw Jill. She was a new security guard—tall with a great smile. For the first time since my divorce, I felt something other than anger.

I finally worked up the courage to ask her for a drink. She said yes.

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The Chemistry and the Fear

It was amazing how much better I felt just by being with someone who seemed to genuinely like me. Jill was kind, and our chemistry was instant. We hung out several times a week, ordering Chinese food and watching TV. But her affection scared me. I was so worried about screwing up again that I ultimately did.

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The Big News and the End

One day at work, Jill told me she got a probation officer job in Wyoming. My heart sank. I tried to act happy, but all I could see was another person bailing on me. When she suggested long-distance, I shot it down like an insolent child. I pouted, saying we were "just friends anyway." She left, and I never saw her again.

I learned she'd quit to move West. I tried calling, but she never answered. I was clearly not ready for another relationship, but I've often thought about Jill since and wished I had handled it differently. 

I miss her. She was a good egg. 

A Dating Diary: My First (and only) Marriage

Let's just say my adult dating life started with a bang and a whole lot of drama. I'm skipping the high school years—they were a blur of cheap beer and even cheaper relationships.

My story really begins at 19, when I met Destiny, a shy, beautiful girl in my college friend group in Louisiana. She was taken at the time, but as the semester wore on, we became good friends, and she slowly started to open up.

Our connection deepened when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I drove my rickety 1986 Ford Escort all the way from Louisiana back to Michigan to be with her. Destiny and I kept in touch the old-fashioned way: late-night phone calls and endless AOL Instant Messenger chats (remember when those prickscharged by the hour?). She told me about her overbearing mom and distant dad, and we started to fall for each other. Six months later, I took a Greyhound bus to New Orleans to meet her family.

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The Proposal

This is where things get interesting. Her parents, upper-class Southern Baptists, took one look at me and my Michigan roots and saw a "Yankee" out to corrupt their daughter. And, to be fair, they weren't entirely wrong.

Despite their disapproval, every night we'd sneak around, whispering "I love you" and making out on the couch. It was quick, but someone loved me and seemed to mean it. When I headed back home, we were all in.

Over the next six months, I saved every penny to make the 14-hour drive to see her once a month. One night, while on vacation in Florida, we were walking on the beach. I pulled out a $400 ring I bought with my only credit card and asked her to marry me. I was 20, she was 19.

She said yes, and her parents were livid. Her mom’s reaction? “This is all like a bad dream.” (Donna, you were so right...)

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The Marriage

The next year was a whirlwind of planning a wedding that no one was thrilled about. As a bank cashier living paycheck to paycheck, I was starting to realize I couldn't even support myself, let alone a wife.

We were married in Florida. I smiled a lot, but inside, I was terrified. As I looked at the ring on my finger, a single thought ran through my mind: "Forever... that seems like a long time." Our honeymoon in Palm Springs was a bust—we spent the whole time fighting about money and not having sex.

We moved into a trailer with a 110-pound Labrador and realized we had no idea how to be a married couple. We were two kids who couldn't communicate and barely knew ourselves. Things only got worse as the shy girl I met returned. I later learned her mom had made every decision for her, leaving her with no sense of self.

Meanwhile, my single friends were living it up, and I was stuck at home with a wife who wouldn’t talk to me, a dog we didn’t want, in a trailer we couldn’t afford. What I didn’t know was my wife was secretly racking up major credit card debt behind my back.

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The End

Our communication problems escalated, and we became two roommates living separate lives. We rarely had sex and only spoke when necessary. We were both miserable, but I didn't know how to end it, and she wouldn't admit it.

In a move that perfectly sums up our communication issues, her mom called me one day to say Destiny was worried about the debt. She suggested we file for bankruptcy, saying it wouldn't hurt us much because we were young. My wife agreed, and we went through with it. That night, lying in bed, I had one clear thought: This is the rest of your life.

The following May, Destiny went to visit her mom and didn't call me once. When I picked her up at the airport, she delivered the final blow: “My mom and I decided we need a divorce. She’ll be here Tuesday to move me home.” Her dad offered to spare me the cost of a lawyer if I signed the uncontested divorce papers. I didn’t care.

I stayed with friends until they were gone. When I walked back into the trailer, it was empty. They took everything—dishes, chairs, my computer, and even the plastic shower liner. The place was a shell. I sat on the bare mattress, divorced, bankrupt, and completely alone.

It was May 24th...my 25th birthday.

Dating Advice from a Buffoon-Sage

You've heard it said that timing is everything, but I'd argue that our mentality plays an even bigger role. Have you ever been able to tell that someone is sad, angry, or joyful without a single word being spoken? I'm a firm believer that our vibe and self-confidence—or lack thereof—is something others can sense, especially when it comes to dating.

We've all been there: a period when it feels like no one wants anything to do with you. Why? Often, it's because they can sense that you're down, depressed, or lacking confidence. When I was in a slump, I found a few pointers that were especially helpful.

Get out of the house.

You'll never meet anyone by hiding away in your apartment. Get out there and meet people, even if it's just other guys or friends who are already in relationships. Make connections and build your social circle. A lot of the time, our misery is a result of us choosing to shut ourselves off from the world.

Some people just won't like you.

This is a tough one to accept, but it's crucial: some people, for whatever reason, just won't be interested in you. This isn't because they're better than you; it's just a simple fact of life. It's not personal, so accept it and move on.

TENS of THOUSANDS of women will want you.

I don't know you, but this is simple math. Statistically, some people are going to like you—and not just a few. Do you know how you can find them? By stopping the self-pity and living life. Make friends and get out and do things that don't involve a computer screen.

This is it.

Don't worry about things that may never happen, and don't spend time dwelling on what has already happened. You can't change the past, and you can't predict the future. The only thing you can do is take care of this day and enjoy it.